Tug of War

photo (26)

Lately I have been experiencing an internal game of tug of war. A push-pull sort of battle where the concept of ‘self-acceptance’ has been muddied up by the powerful pull of conflicting desires.

On the one hand…

I crave awareness. I want Truth at all costs. I claw my way towards the world that is waiting for me on the outside of The Box. I know that friction starts fires and that fire will burn down the House that Fear Built. I create opportunities to practice breaking free of the stories that I have used to hold me back. I surround myself with people who support this journey. I get on my mat and sweat my way to strength and power. I sit and meditate. I know on a soul level that I want to be Awake to the entirety of my experience. I want to scream at the top of my lungs that I don’t want to miss another second of this precious opportunity to be alive.

And yet… 

I want to curl up into a little ball and go to sleep. I want to be fed a steady diet of niceties and white lies. I crave blissful happiness all the time. My inner child wants you to take care of me. I contemplate giving up on Truth and settling for good enough. I want to reinforce the walls of The Box so that they become impenetrable. I want to take the easy route. I want to shy away from the edge and ‘work’ in the comfortable middle. I want to quietly disappear into the night, becoming but a quietly whispered story of the past — “there was this girl who used to be on the path towards Truth…” I want to cry “uncle!” and admit defeat. I want to tell myself that awareness is available for other people, but not for me.

But it’s a trick… 

These are all great stories. All of them. None of them more true then the next. All just part of the complex web of lies my creative mind has crafted to keep me distracted from what is real. And what is real, you ask? Love. Essentially I love myself enough to know that it is imperative that I keep walking-stumbling-running-crawling down this path, even when it seems unclear where I am headed.

And so just like that, on I go…

5 comments

  1. That you are having these internal debates means that you are incredibly self aware and are constantly looking to be the best you you can be. That is a great step, even if your destination is unclear! :) That photo is BEAUTIFUL!

  2. I love all of Rebekah and the parts of her that seem in tug-of-war feel essential to what I love, maybe a new metaphor is in order? Something that is less of a struggle and more of a dance?

  3. Robert Webster · · Reply

    Ah, the internal struggle! I always hear Robin Williams riffing in my head…Bella hit the nail directly on the head though: “…walking-stumbling-running-crawling down this path…” sounds just like viewing a performance by Martha Graham or Pilobolus! And, it’s also why we love you – you verbalize so well much of what we feel also.

  4. I read this twice and thought …beautifully written, beautifully stated, beautifully raw. Beautiful are you sweet friend.

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