Fair Warning You Guys, I’m Just Gonna Get Weirder

Love

For the last month or so I’ve found myself regularly throwing my hands up in the air and telling friends and family that “fair warning, I’m just gonna get weirder from here on out!” This phrase has been rolling off my tongue with a big smile, shake of the head, and shrug of the shoulders — as if I’m saying “yeah, I don’t get it either, but what are you going to do!?

But, of course, I do get it. 

I care a whole lot about what other people think of me. I’ve trained for many years in the art of being exactly the friend, daughter, employee, etc. that I think you’d like me to be … striving to say the right thing, do the right thing, be the right way — as if doing it all “right” will guarantee acceptance and love. (Or in some cases, doing the exact opposite and looking for the opposite results.)

And, of course, this warning is really not for you.

Each time I issue one of these warnings to someone in my life, it is clear that I’m actually warning myself. It’s as though I’m saying “fair warning ego, I’m giving myself permission to get real whether people like me or not.” … But let me tell you, it’s clear that my ego does not like this plan one bit! And when the ego feels threatened, it’s amazingly skilled at manufacturing all sorts of stories around the beliefs that we hold true. Some of my own current favorites include that people will think I’m crazy, that they will say I’ve jumped off the deep end, that people will decide I’ve officially drunk the Kool Aid and need an intervention, instead of encouragement to keep at it.

But what do I mean by ‘get weird’ anyway?

Lately I found myself seriously loosening my grip on ‘doing it right’ and instead just ‘doing things how I want to do them’ period. In some instances that has meant going against the grain and doing things that would not be considered mainstream or socially acceptable. In other cases, it has meant doing things that are oh-so-mainstream, but that fly in the face of the ways I have previously operated. Some examples:

  • I’ve started going to meetings and self-awareness workshops with the Center of Consciousness. I love them because I feel like I’m being trained to be this mighty spiritual warrior, trekking down a path of self-discovery and opening up to myself + truth + love. And I’m doing so in this amazing community of other similarly-inclined people.
  • I’ve started exploring long-term career options that might allow me to eventually bring my day job (university administrator) and my life outside of work (yoga, etc.) more closely into alignment.
  • I’m talking about and paying attention to astrology even more than I already did.
  • I’m considering re-piercing my nose.
  • I’ve dated men and I’ve dated women. For a long period I dated women exclusively, but lately I’ve been drawn to men. I’m not entirely sure where that leaves me, but I’m resisting the temptation to slap a label on it, and I am retaining the right to change my M.O. yet again in the future.
  • Sometimes I willingly douse myself in glitter because being sparkly immediately makes me giggle and feel happier.
  • I admit it, I like the smell of patchouli. I also admit that I love Tide detergent and real deodorant, even though I know they contain chemicals that will most certainly bring me closer to death.

Frankly, if I had met the ‘me of today’ a few years ago, I would have judged her harshly and thought she was a giant weirdo (though underneath those judgments would have been a vast longing to let my own freak flag fly). But “the world needs its rebels, its outcasts and weirdos. Without them, nothing much ever changes.” And I’m in great company — Lewis Carroll, Oprah Winfrey, and Rosa Parks, among others!

It is what it is.

Here’s the thing: at the end of the day, I am who I am. And although ‘who I am’ will most certainly evolve drastically over a lifetime of living, right now this is me — like it or not. My ego imagines that some people may read this post and opt to unfollow my blog. But I also imagine that for each of those people, there will be others who opt to start following because they feel a deeper resonance with me and want to read more. And you know what? The ironic thing is that the more comfortable I get in my own skin, the less I find myself caring about what other people think of me, period.

+++

I’m curious — In what ways is your ‘you of today’ a big ole’ weirdo? And in what ways are you holding yourself back for fear of judgment? Vulnerable sharing in the comments section is always encouraged and deeply appreciated… :))

28 comments

  1. After a moment of reflection, I’ve determined that I’m not weird enough! So many things I do today are things I was trying to do years ago, unsuccessfully. Maybe it means I’m on the right path, or maybe it means I’m not taking enough risks.

    1. Hmm, well if you want to become weirder, there is certainly still time! ;) But it also sounds like you’re in a wholly different place than you were a few years ago, which is an awesome thing to realize… I say, when it comes to weirdness- you can’t go wrong if you go with your gut! :)

  2. Be as weird as you need to be — you’re entitled to it!

    1. Right back at you!! :))

  3. Just want to say you are so brave and I want to give you a big hug!

    1. I’m totally sending you a virtual hug back! <3

  4. Robert Webster · · Reply

    You rock. Period. I’ll read your blog “..no matter what you do…” It’s insightful and highly entertaining. I too have done things that might be against the grain (although only within my group of friends growing up)…hairstyles, clothing choices, saying stuff that others were thinking but too afraid to say. None of them compare to what you are doing now though. I say Yay for you!Now I mostly “act my age” which I know isn’t being true to myself in some ways…The truly wonderful thing about how your journey is unfolding is that you will have very few regrets much later by wandering down the various paths. Much, much better than wondering “What if….?” 20 or 30 years from now. Maybe I DO need to get that longboard, electric bass and take up the harmonica afterall…

    1. Hmm, yes, I feel like I’ve probably collected enough regrets from my first 30ish years to tide me over for a while… Might as well just let that be in the past!

      And as for the longboard, electric bass and harmonica – I can TOTALLY see it! :)) Acting your age be damned!

  5. Love this post, Rebekah. I’m playing with a lot of these same questions/concerns/intentions. And thank you to Keleigh for posting it on FB and leading me here. Next time I see you at IAY, I’ll finally introduce myself. We seem to have many mutal friends.

    1. Amanda, YES please do introduce yourself! And thank you for the comment- there is so much strength to be found in community and knowing that other people are out there grappling with similar questions/concerns/etc… <3

  6. I am a super big weirdo and pretty proud of it. Kudos to you for having the courage (and that’s what this is) to explore more of who you really are.

    1. Thanks Nicole- and cheers to us being proud weirdos!! :)

  7. :) Well, I liked you before, but I have a feeling I’m REALLY gonna like your freaky streak! LOL! Really, I’m on my own “getting weirder” trip… Doing whatever you want, just because you want to is equal parts terrifying and wonderful, no? Love love love you being just who you are. It’s what you were born for!

    1. Ha! I love how all of my fellow weirdos are declaring themselves here and on FB! I’m in such great company!! Can’t wait to see how your getting weirder trip plays out!! And yes, equal parts terrifying and wonderful is the perfect way to describe it…. :)))

      1. Oy, do you REALLY wanna know? I’m kinda freaking myself out (in the best way) by listening to spirit and following. Btw, some of my best “in real life” friends have met some of their best friends in online ways (and have carried the friendship to real life). I always thought that was awesome but now that I’ve “met” you I actually understand how that could be possible! I don’t know how much I’ll be posting about my own personal freak-fest… But if you wanna follow my evolution thru Facebook, email or text, let me know! :)

        1. Oh yes, I most definitely want to know! I’ll be in touch :)))

  8. All I can say is that… You are truly inspiring and beautiful inside and out!!! Getting in touch with you via email for volunteering with FDOY this year to take pictures and getting the chance to attend your handstand workshop was truly incredible. I’m so grateful that I was able to meet such a wonderful soul; you truly touched my heart with your class. All I can say also is, YOU ROCK! Xoxo

    1. Awe THANK YOU – and, of course, all of these compliments are completely true for you as well! The handstand workshop/class was quite possibly one of the most fun things I’ve EVER done- so grateful that you were there and part of FDOY so that we could connect! <3

  9. Great post. :) One of the thoughts that came to me when reading this…you are one of those people who makes me feel like I dont have to be “on.” You definitely make me feel like I can just “be myself.” I love that when we hang out I can be negative, say un-polite things, complain, or confess my shortcomings. I think this is a great quality you have..you put people at ease. :)

    1. I love this comment so much! What a great feeling… to let go of some of the layers + masks we wear and just be. <3 <3 <3

  10. Bekahoutsidethebox, I don’t always respond but I always relate or learn, relearn something from your open and honest thoughts. I relate to you so much, it amazes me, and allows me to admire you for sharing, learning, growing and trusting yourself to explore you and the world and it’s people in it. Keep on getting weird my dear, the best people are. Much love and light to you.

    1. Thank you ~Soul Prancing~ I so appreciate the sentiment. Much love and light to you too!

  11. I have been weird for so long it feels normal…..

    1. :)))) Thanks for helping to show me the ropes!

    2. And maybe it is…! <3

  12. The me of today is completely different than the me of 2 years ago. I just returned from traveling for 2 years and I can completely relate to what you’re writing about. Traveling makes it easy to let out these ‘weirdnesses’ that you have clawing away at your insides, screaming to come out in a way that being at home with the people you know and are comfortable with never would. The way that I choose to look at it is that if I’m being my truest self- hugely weird or not- it makes me happy! And regardless of whether 5 years ago I thought I’d never want to (be one of those ‘yoga’ people) do those things that I’m now loving…I know that I can feel myself getting closer to my happiest self. And I love it. :) I hope you do too!

    1. Yes, I do love it too! And I know what you mean about being able to let go and be “weird” while traveling or in some new situation where people don’t know how you usually show up… Of course, figuring out how to bring that sense of freedom to be ourselves to our day-to-day lives is where the “real” yoga happens, right?! :))

      1. You are absolutely right. After coming home from traveling I had a real discontinuity in what was going on with my head and what my feelings were in different situations. Thankfully I’ve been able to find a great yoga studio here and as you say, it really does help to use yoga. I almost cried tonight because I got stuck in traffic on the way to yoga and was therefore locked out. After the stressful week that I had I was looking forward to it so much. It’s amazing how much self confidence and self awareness that it gives me. It amazes me. I’m off to try a new type tomorrow! Shakti yoga!

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